Let’s talk about the misogyny involved in this weekend’s shooting.

25 May

By now you’ve heard about the shootings in Isla Vista, California. You’ve heard about Elliot Rodger, the “lonely”, “spurned”, shooter. Perhaps you’ve even watched his chilling YouTube videos.

In the past few hours, you’ve started to hear about how women on Twitter are up in arms, proclaiming #YesAllWomen. This hashtag came on strong and fierce, and has quickly caught the attention of major media outlets, even over this holiday weekend.

Picture of a candle

This shooting was a terrifying, tragic incident.

This incident is a terrifying, sobering reminder of the ways in which men’s sense of entitlement to women’s time, attention, and bodies often leads to violence. It is something almost every woman has thought about. Every time we turn down a guy in a bar, every time we endure a catcall, every time we say “no” to a second date, a part of us is worried about violence, about retribution.

The friendzone is BS

Repeat after me: men are not entitled to women’s bodies.

Look at the high school girl who was stabbed because she rejected a guy’s prom invitation.

Look at the girl who was beaten up in a club for telling a guy to stop touching her.

Look at the manifesto in which Rodger lay out his grievances, his complaints that “I would never get [sex]”.

That particular complaint is a common one in MRA blogs and forums, which Rodger frequented, where “nice guys” like Rodger whine about how girls only want “obnoxious jerks” while spurning the “polite, kind gentleman” that they purport to be.

Actual responses to Rodgers' YouTube video.

Actual responses to Rodgers’ YouTube video.

Why do so many of these men seem to not understand that sex isn’t something you “get”? Sex is not transactional. It is not a gift. It is not something you deserve or are entitled to. It is not something that is being “withheld” from you. These mindsets chillingly refuse to see women as people, as someone you might be friends with, as someone whose company you might enjoy, as someone to whom you’re excited to show affection and respect. To these men, women are the gatekeepers of sex, cold bitches who reject their advances.

The initial media coverage had a very hard time admitting that there was anything misogynist about Rodgers’ actions, instead choosing to focus on Rodger’s documented mental illness as a primary cause. To be clear, I absolutely believe that the American health system fails its mental health patients on a daily basis; this is something that does need to be addressed. But by implying that his misogyny was caused by his mental illness, we are excusing and minimizing that misogyny and further stigmatizing mental illness.

But have you noticed how quick we are to blame mental illness when white men commit heinous acts of violence? When a black man is violent, we barely react. We may shake our heads, thinking, “that’s too bad”, but we’re comfortable with the cultural perception that black men are naturally violent, or that they have become so through living in a culture of violence. These perceptions are so ingrained that they’ve been implicitly cited in the various “stand your ground” cases recently. We are so accepting of the idea that they are dangerous and violent that the justice system has repeatedly sent the message that it’s not really a crime to shoot a black man if you were “afraid” of him.

Nobody wants to accept that white men might also be steeped in a culture of violence. That women’s fear of them might often be justified.

When a brown man, or a Muslim man, commits an act of heinous violence, we’re satisfied blaming religious extremism or ideology. We’re all too happy to talk about the perpetrator’s extreme beliefs, about his unreasonable hatred of an entire country and culture, about his bitterness and resentment, about the support that he has in his beliefs by countless other extremists.

Nobody wants to talk about the online communities where white men regularly espouse extreme misogynist views, condone violence against women, and express bitterness and resentment towards an entire category of people.

Yes. Mental illness likely played a part in this. But every time we quickly attribute a white man’s violence – his school shooting or bomb-planting – primarily to mental illness, we further ignore the fact that this kind of violence is not an isolated, individual act. It is a widespread, societal problem.

Not all men are like that

“not all men are like that”

The #YesAllWomen hashtag that I mentioned earlier has been met, in part, by a resounding cry of “not all men are like that” from men who believe that feminists are overreacting, or are unfairly painting all of manhood with a too-broad brush.

But you know what? If you were actually not “like that”, if you really wanted to prove that not all men are misogynist and violent, then you wouldn’t post to say “not all men”. You would post to say

this is horrible

gendered violence has got to stop

he may have had mental health issues but that does not excuse his misogyny

women do not owe men sex

If you were really a “nice guy” you would not call a woman “bitch” after she expressed fear and anger at an act of clearly gendered and misogynist violence. You would look at your own attitudes. You would speak out against violence, against rape culture, against misogyny. You would be more concerned about the women who fear violence than you are about your own ego.

This is why #YesAllWomen are scared. We don’t care that #NotAllMen would shoot us for not providing them with the sex to which they feel entitled. Because some men will. And THAT is what we need to acknowledge and address. Because some men will.

And this man did.

11 Responses to “Let’s talk about the misogyny involved in this weekend’s shooting.”

  1. Musings from a Tangled Mind May 25, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

    Extremely well said! Thank you, thank you for sharing this. To put it simply, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

    Like

    • I was a high school feminist May 25, 2014 at 5:24 pm #

      Thank you! These shootings really shook me up, and I’m hoping that the twitter outpouring and media attention will ignite some real conversation about misogyny. xx

      Like

      • Musings from a Tangled Mind May 25, 2014 at 5:27 pm #

        I’m with you, I hope that it does. It’s a much needed conversation, that’s for sure.

        Like

      • Musings from a Tangled Mind May 25, 2014 at 5:31 pm #

        Oftentimes certain men call women a “feminist” as if it’s a bad thing or an insult (like bitch) when in fact if men were the “nice guys” they so adamantly claim to be, they too would be “feminists.”

        Like

  2. Contortum Designs May 25, 2014 at 5:34 pm #

    I can’t come up with the right words, so I’ll just say that this article is really well written and I agree with your views.

    Like

    • I was a high school feminist May 25, 2014 at 5:34 pm #

      Thank you – I really really appreciate it. I don’t usually post in anger, but it was the only way to let it all out.

      Like

      • Contortum Designs May 25, 2014 at 5:36 pm #

        I didn’t feel like you were writing from anger, though this topic is definitely worthy of it. You presented your thoughts in a cohesive and compelling manner, getting your point across perfectly. Very nicely done :)

        Like

  3. Abdul Staten May 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

    I particularly appreciate how well-organized and logical your essay is — yes, I’m calling it an essay! Even bringing up the racial implications when Black men commit heinous act. Brilliant! The “not all men are like that” does require further dialogue, I think. One that can only be fully articulated through face-to-face convo. That withstanding, great piece!

    Like

  4. BroadBlogs June 6, 2014 at 5:38 pm #

    Yeah, if he had said the same sorts of things about people of color everyone would be talking about his racism. I don’t think that we are a more racist than sexist society, but I do think that we are more sensitive to racism than to sexism.

    And yeah, I’m surprised at the number of men who comment on my blog, spouting hostility toward women and then wonder why women don’t like such a nice guy as them. Like Elliot Roger.

    Like

  5. Siena June 9, 2014 at 7:29 pm #

    I agree with all of this. I was absolutely disgusted each time I saw a #notallmen post. After I had posted some #yesallwomen tweets, I actually had guys message me and say stuff like “you know you should be honored some man would risk going to jail for humping you.” So even though not all men would kill a woman over their sense of entitlement, most men I believe in our culture will still slut shame, and look at women as objects who are supposed to live to please men. This needs to change because I’m sick of not being able to trust most men I encounter.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 685 other followers

%d bloggers like this: